The Wholly Ironic Hanky Code

CATEGORY	COLOR	ON LEFT	ON RIGHT	SNIDE REMARK	EXAMPLE
REDS	RED	Fister	Fistee	Ow.
	DARK RED	2-handed fist fucker	2-handed fist fuckee	Double Ow.
	MAROON	Likes to Cut	Likes to Be Cut	And, of course, Triple Ow.
	BURGUNDY/WINE	Mud Top	Mud Bottom	The lengths they'll go to in order to not look like "Scat"
	LIGHT PINK	Dildo Fucker	Dildo Fuckee	God dild you.*
	DARK PINK	Tit Torturer	Tit Torturee	"Gipple? Laureola?"*
ORANGES	ORANGE	Anything top	Anything bottom	"Multipass!"*
	ORANGE (alternate)	Anything	Nothing	Thus making the orange hanky completely useless.*
	APRICOT	Chubby	Chaser	Apricot! It's a food! A round one! Laugh, damn you!
	CORAL	Wants toes sucked	Sucks toes	Remind me to kill whoever coined the term, "Shrimping".
	PEACH	Bear	Cub	Apricot? Peach? It's like a produce department in here.
	RUST	Cowboy	Horsie	Picture Woody Harrelson and Keifer Sutherland doing it "The Cowboy Way".
YELLOWS	YELLOW	Pisses	Drinks (or wears)	The pause that refreshes.
	LEMON	Catheterizes	Holds still	Q: Boxers or briefs? A: Depends.
	PALE YELLOW	Spitter	Spitoon	Insert your own "Getting oneself into hock" joke here.
	MUSTARD	Hung	Size Queen	Left must be accompanied by Certificate of Authenticity.
	GOLD	2 looking for 1	1 looking for 2	Anyone for an all-male "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
GREENS	KELLY GREEN	John	Hustler	Because not all hookers wear leopard skirts.
	HUNTER GREEN	Daddy	Son	"Grampa!" "Heidi!"
	OLIVE DRAB	Soldier	Looking for Military	"Olive drab!" "I know, Tarzan, but Popeye likes her anyway."
	LIME GREEN	Dines off tricks	Dinner table	You want fries with this?
	LIGHT GREEN	Verbal Abuse Top	Verbal Abuse Bottom	Verbal Abuse? How about "Conjunction Junction" on infinite repeat?
BLUES	LIGHT BLUE	Wants blow-job	Sucks cock	Find me anyone who wouldn't wear either, I dare you!
	ROBIN'S EGG BLUE	69er	no 69	(right) "Ew! 69! Icky poo!" I don't get it.
	ROBIN'S EGG BLUE (alt)	69 top	69 bottom	Understand this? E-mail me!
	MEDIUM BLUE	Officer Friendly	officer-friendly	Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come? Full stop. When I sing I use my lyrics.
	NAVY BLUE	Fucker	Fuckee	It's unfortunate, really. Anal sex isn't funny.
	AIR FORCE BLUE	Pilot/Flight Attendant	Airport Groupie	"Handle me like the baggage I am."
	TEAL BLUE	Cock & Ball Torturer	Squirmer	Damn! We were so close to a good "pussy-whipped" line.
PURPLES	MAGENTA	"Suck my pits"	Pitsucker	MMMM! Aluminum Zirconium Tetrachlorohydrex! (drool)*
	PURPLE	Piercer	Piercee	I've said it before, I'll say it again: Ow.
	MAUVE	Has a navel	Navel fetishist	Let's go back to my place and "contemplate" one another.
	FUSCHIA	Spanker	Spankee	"I don't wanna cry, I just wanna hanky-panky guyyyyyyy!"*
	LAVENDER	Looking for Drag Queen	Drag Queen	I feel sorry for drag queens trying to incorporate a hanky into their outfits.
EARTH TONES	BEIGE	Rimmer	Rimmee	"So we'll sit on our faces in all sorts of places and pla-a-a-a-ay..."*
	CREAM	Cums in scumbags	Sucks it out	"Can you say 'Scumbucket'? I knew you could."*
	TAN	Cigar Smoker	Likes cigars	Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. This is not one of those times.
	BROWN	Scat top	Scat bottom	How to separate the truly kinky from the punters.
NEUTRALS	BLACK	S/M top	S/M bottom	"Whip me, beat me, force me to reduce my sexuality into a one-foot square piece of fabric"
	CHARCOAL	Latex top	Latex bottom	Please keep in mind that 95% of all people (myself included) look like hell in latex.
	GREY	Bondage top	Bondage bottom	It's late, and the only thing that's coming to me right now is something about Wonder Woman's magic lasso. Let's call this one a miss.
	GREY (alternate)	Light S/M top	Light S/M bottom	"Just for the pain of it, Diet S/M"
	WHITE	Wants handjob	Strokes	I was going to say "Coxswain" for left, but no one would get it.*
MULTI- COLOR	LT BLUE W/WHITE STRIPE	Sailor	Shore Patrol (so to speak)	Insert your own "In the Navy" joke here.
	BLACK/WHITE CHECK	Safe Sex Top	Safe Sex Bottom	Or is that "NASCAR top"/"NASCAR bottom"
	RED/WHITE STRIPE	Shaver	Shavee	Insert your own "Barber Pole" joke here.
	RED/BLACK STRIPE	Furry Bear	Arctophile	"...called himself a bear when he was 23."
	BLACK/WHITE STRIPE	Likes black bottoms	Likes black tops	I'd love to say something funny here, but Archie Bunker never really covered this.
	BROWN W/WHITE STRIPE	Likes Latino bottoms	Likes Latino tops
	YELLOW W/ WHITE STRIPE	Like Asian bottoms	Like Asian tops
	LIGHT BLUE W/ WHITE DOTS	Likes White suckers	Likes to suck whites	Careful with these, I think one of them is also "Polka Top"/"Polka Bottom"
	LIGHT BLUE W/ BLACK DOTS	Likes black suckers	Likes to suck blacks
	LIGHT BLUE W/ BROWN DOTS	Likes Latino suckers	Likes to suck Latinos
	LIGHT BLUE W/ YELLOW DOTS	Likes Asian suckers	Likes to suck Asians
	WHITE W/ MULTI- COLOR DOTS	Hosting an orgy	Looking for an orgy	Well, it beats the hassle of invitations.
SPECIFIC FABRICS	BROWN LACE	Uncut	Likes uncut	Brown lace. And one would obtain this where?*
	BROWN SATIN	Cut	Likes cut	"Nights in Brown Satin"? I love that song.
	GREY FLANNEL	Actually owns a suit	Likes suits	Grey flannel! Suit! HA!*
	WHITE LACE	Likes white bottoms	Likes white tops	Actually, either side really means "Just mugged a bride"
	BLACK VELVET	has/takes videos	will "perform" for camera	I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. LaRue
	WHITE VELVET	Voyeur	Exhibitionist	Blue Velvet: "Looking for Mickey Rourke"/"IS Mickey Rourke"
	BROWN CORDUROY	Headmaster	Student	"If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding." Suddenly, that makes a lot more sense.
	TERRYCLOTH	Bathhouse top	Bathhouse Bottom	And we would flag this in a bar why?
PATTERNS	HOLSTEIN (COW)	Milker	Milkee	I'll spare you the "hole milk" pun I've been developing. You're welcome.
	RED/WHITE GINGHAM	Park sex top	Park sex bottom	Hey, you wanna look like Dorothy, go right ahead.
	PAISLEY	Wears boxers	Likes boxers	Lie-la-lie. [Boom] Lie-la-lie-lie. Lie-la-lie. Lie-la-lie. [Boom] Lie-la-lie-lie-lie-la-lie-lalalala-lie.*
	GREEN CAMOFLAGUE	Military (non-specific)	Civil "servant"	There's got to be someone out there with a thing for members of the Army Corps of Engineers. Well, this is YOUR hanky!
	BLACK/GREY CAMOFLAGUE	Urban Warrior (Cop, Fireman, EMT)	"City Support Services"	For the Fortrel Polyester fetishist within us all.
	LEOPARD	Has tattoos	Art critic	Clarification: Tattoos that don't come off with baby oil.
	HOUNDSTOOTH	Uses teeth	Like to be bitten	Oh, bite me!
	CONFEDERATE FLAG*	Fights to be top	Fights to be bottom	Cheerleaders optional
	UNION JACK	Skinhead top	Skinhead bottom	"Oi! to the World"
	CALICO	Tourist	Vacancy sign is lit	How do you even fit a cat in your pocket?
	TIE DYE	Looking for hippiedick	Hippie	You want to stick that daisy where?
METALLICS	GOLD LAMÉ	Brick shithouse	Muscle worshipper	"Lamé" being French for "Tacky."
	SILVER LAMÉ	Celebrity/Title holder	Groupie/Sash Queen	Remember, one little accent acute is the difference between "lamé" and "lame."
	SILVER	Electrician	Multimeter	Insert your own "Shock the Monkey" joke here.
THINGS	TEDDY BEAR	Cuddler	Cuddlee	"Hi there. My name is Teddy Ruxpin. Can you and I be friends?"
	FUR	"Any pets at home like you?"	"I LOVE my dog"	Flag fur; watch people avoid you!
	KEWPIE DOLL	Chicken Hawk	Poulet	Pullet Surprise? (old joke)
	DIRTY JOCKSTRAP	Wears a Dirty Athletic Supporter	Is a Dirty "Athletic Supporter"	Obscure double entendre #524: "Having a sausage down at the Chock Full O' Nuts"
	DOILY	Tearoom top	Tearoom bottom	Wow! My great aunt must have been pretty damn kinky!
	MOSQUITO NETTING	Outdoor sex top	Outdoor sex bottom	Because a can of "Off" is hard to fit into a pocket.
	PLASTIC BAGGIE	Has Drugs	Wants Drugs	"Baggie." Hee hee. I just love saying "Baggie."
	COCKTAIL NAPKIN	Bartender	Barfly	Barfly? Is that an adverb?
	KLEENEX	Stinks	Sniffs	"Let me be your fume hood."
	KEYS IN FRONT	Top "my place"	Bottom "my place"	Guys, I realize "Your place or mine?" is a cliché, but it is a lot more effective than "key morphology".
	KEYS IN BACK	Top "your place"	Bottom "your place"
	HANDYWIPE	Motor oil top	Oil pan	It better last longer than 10 minutes, Jiffy Lube!
	CHAMOIS	Biker	Bikee	Bikee. It's a word, dammit!
	VACUUM CLEANER BAG	Cock Pumper	Wants Cock Pumped	And NO, a Swiffer Sweeper is not sufficient.
	PLASTIC WRAP	Mummifier	Tutankhamun	Perhaps this should read "Palletization fetishist." Nah!
	TOOTHBRUSH	Lover's out; my place OK	Your place only	Just a toothbrush? Talk about traveling light!
	SAFETY PIN	Safe sex top	Safe sex bottom	There's more poetry in black/white check
	ROPE	Japanese bondage top	Japanese bondage bottom	I'm just transcribing; I don't try to explain.
	PLASTIC FORK	Dinner included (top)	Dinner included (bottom)	Isn't that "dating"?
	CELERY	Brunch included (top)	Brunch included (bottom)	You mean it's not "Dr. Who top"?
	AN ACTUAL LEMON	Enema top	Enema bottom	Coming soon: "The Produce Code"
	SWEAT BAND	Wrassler top	Wrassler bottom	Let's get ready to RUMBLLLLLLLLLE!
	BUBBLE WRAP	Alien	Xenophile	Must... resist... lewd... Dalek... image.
	ROSARY	Ritual Top	Ritual Bottom	Bless me father, for I'm about to sin.
	MILKBONE	Pet owner	Doggy	"MeatyBone is a barking good treat; bark if you like meat!"
	BOOT LACES	Boot top	Boot bottom	You want me to make a snide remark about boot sex? Are you INSANE?

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