The Wholly Ironic Hanky Code

REDS RED Fister Fistee Ow.  
2-handed fist fucker 2-handed fist fuckee Double Ow.  
Likes to Cut Likes to Be Cut And, of course, Triple Ow.  
Mud Top Mud Bottom The lengths they'll go to in order to not look like "Scat"  
Dildo Fucker Dildo Fuckee God dild you.*  
DARK PINK Tit Torturer Tit Torturee "Gipple? Laureola?"*  
ORANGES ORANGE Anything top Anything bottom "Multipass!"*  


Anything Nothing Thus making the orange hanky completely useless.*  
Chubby Chaser Apricot! It's a food! A round one! Laugh, damn you!  
CORAL Wants toes sucked Sucks toes Remind me to kill whoever coined the term, "Shrimping".  
Bear Cub Apricot? Peach? It's like a produce department in here.  
RUST Cowboy Horsie Picture Woody Harrelson and Keifer Sutherland doing it "The Cowboy Way".  
YELLOWS YELLOW Pisses Drinks (or wears) The pause that refreshes.  
LEMON Catheterizes Holds still Q: Boxers or briefs?
A: Depends.
PALE YELLOW Spitter Spitoon Insert your own "Getting oneself into hock" joke here.  
MUSTARD Hung Size Queen Left must be accompanied by Certificate of Authenticity.  
GOLD 2 looking for 1 1 looking for 2 Anyone for an all-male "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"  
GREENS KELLY GREEN John Hustler Because not all hookers wear leopard skirts.  
HUNTER GREEN Daddy Son "Grampa!" "Heidi!"  
OLIVE DRAB Soldier Looking for Military "Olive drab!" "I know, Tarzan, but Popeye likes her anyway."  
LIME GREEN Dines off tricks Dinner table You want fries with this?  
LIGHT GREEN Verbal Abuse Top Verbal Abuse Bottom Verbal Abuse? How about "Conjunction Junction" on infinite repeat?  
BLUES LIGHT BLUE Wants blow-job Sucks cock Find me anyone who wouldn't wear either, I dare you!  
ROBIN'S EGG BLUE 69er no 69 (right) "Ew! 69! Icky poo!"
I don't get it.
ROBIN'S EGG BLUE (alt) 69 top 69 bottom Understand this? E-mail me!  
MEDIUM BLUE Officer Friendly officer-friendly Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come? Full stop.
When I sing I use my lyrics.
NAVY BLUE Fucker Fuckee It's unfortunate, really. Anal sex isn't funny.  
AIR FORCE BLUE Pilot/Flight Attendant Airport Groupie "Handle me like the baggage I am."  
TEAL BLUE Cock & Ball Torturer Squirmer Damn! We were so close to a good "pussy-whipped" line.  
PURPLES MAGENTA "Suck my pits" Pitsucker MMMM! Aluminum Zirconium Tetrachlorohydrex! (drool)*  
PURPLE Piercer Piercee I've said it before, I'll say it again: Ow.  
MAUVE Has a navel Navel fetishist Let's go back to my place and "contemplate" one another.  
FUSCHIA Spanker Spankee "I don't wanna cry, I just wanna hanky-panky guyyyyyyy!"*  
LAVENDER Looking for Drag Queen Drag Queen I feel sorry for drag queens trying to incorporate a hanky into their outfits.  
EARTH TONES BEIGE Rimmer Rimmee "So we'll sit on our faces in all sorts of places and pla-a-a-a-ay..."*  
CREAM Cums in scumbags Sucks it out "Can you say 'Scumbucket'?
I knew you could."*
TAN Cigar Smoker Likes cigars Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
This is not one of those times.
BROWN Scat top Scat bottom How to separate the truly kinky from the punters.  
NEUTRALS BLACK S/M top S/M bottom "Whip me, beat me, force me to reduce my sexuality into a one-foot square piece of fabric"  
CHARCOAL Latex top Latex bottom Please keep in mind that 95% of all people (myself included) look like hell in latex.  
GREY Bondage top Bondage bottom It's late, and the only thing that's coming to me right now is something about Wonder Woman's magic lasso. Let's call this one a miss.  
GREY (alternate) Light S/M top Light S/M bottom "Just for the pain of it, Diet S/M"  
WHITE Wants handjob Strokes I was going to say "Coxswain" for left, but no one would get it.*  


LT BLUE W/WHITE STRIPE Sailor Shore Patrol
(so to speak)
Insert your own "In the Navy" joke here.
BLACK/WHITE CHECK Safe Sex Top Safe Sex Bottom Or is that "NASCAR top"/"NASCAR bottom"
RED/WHITE STRIPE Shaver Shavee Insert your own "Barber Pole" joke here.
RED/BLACK STRIPE Furry Bear Arctophile "...called himself a bear when he was 23."
BLACK/WHITE STRIPE Likes black bottoms Likes black tops I'd love to say something funny here, but Archie Bunker never really covered this.
BROWN W/WHITE STRIPE Likes Latino bottoms Likes Latino tops
YELLOW W/ WHITE STRIPE Like Asian bottoms Like Asian tops
LIGHT BLUE W/ WHITE DOTS Likes White suckers Likes to suck whites Careful with these, I think one of them is also "Polka Top"/"Polka Bottom"
LIGHT BLUE W/ BLACK DOTS Likes black suckers Likes to suck blacks
LIGHT BLUE W/ BROWN DOTS Likes Latino suckers Likes to suck Latinos
LIGHT BLUE W/ YELLOW DOTS Likes Asian suckers Likes to suck Asians
Hosting an orgy Looking for an orgy Well, it beats the hassle of invitations.
SPECIFIC FABRICS BROWN LACE Uncut Likes uncut Brown lace. And one would obtain this where?*
BROWN SATIN Cut Likes cut "Nights in Brown Satin"? I love that song.
GREY FLANNEL Actually owns a suit Likes suits Grey flannel! Suit! HA!*
WHITE LACE Likes white bottoms Likes white tops Actually, either side really means "Just mugged a bride"
BLACK VELVET has/takes videos will "perform" for camera I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. LaRue
WHITE VELVET Voyeur Exhibitionist Blue Velvet: "Looking for Mickey Rourke"/"IS Mickey Rourke"
BROWN CORDUROY Headmaster Student "If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding." Suddenly, that makes a lot more sense.
TERRYCLOTH Bathhouse top Bathhouse Bottom And we would flag this in a bar why?
PATTERNS HOLSTEIN (COW) Milker Milkee I'll spare you the "hole milk" pun I've been developing. You're welcome.
RED/WHITE GINGHAM Park sex top Park sex bottom Hey, you wanna look like Dorothy, go right ahead.
PAISLEY Wears boxers Likes boxers Lie-la-lie. [Boom] Lie-la-lie-lie. Lie-la-lie.
Lie-la-lie. [Boom] Lie-la-lie-lie-lie-la-lie-lalalala-lie.*
Civil "servant" There's got to be someone out there with a thing for members of the Army Corps of Engineers. Well, this is YOUR hanky!
BLACK/GREY CAMOFLAGUE Urban Warrior (Cop, Fireman, EMT) "City Support Services" For the Fortrel Polyester fetishist within us all.
LEOPARD Has tattoos Art critic Clarification: Tattoos that don't come off with baby oil.
HOUNDSTOOTH Uses teeth Like to be bitten Oh, bite me!
CONFEDERATE FLAG* Fights to be top Fights to be bottom Cheerleaders optional
UNION JACK Skinhead top Skinhead bottom "Oi! to the World"
CALICO Tourist Vacancy sign is lit How do you even fit a cat in your pocket?
TIE DYE Looking for hippiedick Hippie You want to stick that daisy where?
METALLICS GOLD LAMÉ Brick shithouse Muscle worshipper "Lamé" being French for "Tacky."
SILVER LAMÉ Celebrity/Title holder Groupie/Sash Queen Remember, one little accent acute is the difference between "lamé" and "lame."
SILVER   Electrician Multimeter Insert your own "Shock the Monkey" joke here.
THINGS TEDDY BEAR Cuddler Cuddlee "Hi there. My name is Teddy Ruxpin. Can you and I be friends?"
FUR "Any pets at home like you?" "I LOVE my dog" Flag fur; watch people avoid you!
KEWPIE DOLL Chicken Hawk Poulet Pullet Surprise? (old joke)

DIRTY JOCKSTRAP Wears a Dirty Athletic Supporter Is a Dirty "Athletic Supporter" Obscure double entendre #524: "Having a sausage down at the Chock Full O' Nuts"
DOILY Tearoom top Tearoom bottom Wow! My great aunt must have been pretty damn kinky!

MOSQUITO NETTING Outdoor sex top Outdoor sex bottom Because a can of "Off" is hard to fit into a pocket.
PLASTIC BAGGIE Has Drugs Wants Drugs "Baggie." Hee hee. I just love saying "Baggie."
COCKTAIL NAPKIN Bartender Barfly Barfly? Is that an adverb?
KLEENEX Stinks Sniffs "Let me be your fume hood."
KEYS IN FRONT Top "my place" Bottom "my place" Guys, I realize "Your place or mine?" is a cliché, but it is a lot more effective than "key morphology".
KEYS IN BACK Top "your place" Bottom "your place"
HANDYWIPE Motor oil top Oil pan It better last longer than 10 minutes, Jiffy Lube!
CHAMOIS Biker Bikee Bikee. It's a word, dammit!
VACUUM CLEANER BAG Cock Pumper Wants Cock Pumped And NO, a Swiffer Sweeper is not sufficient.
PLASTIC WRAP Mummifier Tutankhamun Perhaps this should read "Palletization fetishist." Nah!
TOOTHBRUSH Lover's out; my place OK Your place only Just a toothbrush? Talk about traveling light!
SAFETY PIN Safe sex top Safe sex bottom There's more poetry in black/white check
ROPE Japanese bondage top Japanese bondage bottom I'm just transcribing; I don't try to explain.
PLASTIC FORK Dinner included (top) Dinner included (bottom) Isn't that "dating"?
CELERY Brunch included (top) Brunch included (bottom) You mean it's not "Dr. Who top"?
AN ACTUAL LEMON Enema top Enema bottom Coming soon:
"The Produce Code"
SWEAT BAND Wrassler top Wrassler bottom Let's get ready to RUMBLLLLLLLLLE!
BUBBLE WRAP Alien Xenophile Must... resist... lewd... Dalek... image.
Ritual Top Ritual Bottom Bless me father, for I'm about to sin.
MILKBONE Pet owner Doggy "MeatyBone is a barking good treat; bark if you like meat!"
BOOT LACES Boot top Boot bottom You want me to make a snide remark about boot sex? Are you INSANE?

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